Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare