Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

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[In elevator]
Penguin: what floor do you want?
Man: 5th please.
*penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*


Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.


Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost


If a cheesecake has fruit on it, is it ok to eat for breakfast?

Asking for me.


A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.


[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod


Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!


*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*