Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her