Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

My heart 😭

“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”

THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤

Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.

A HERO

KNOW HER NAME!

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

it’s finally my moment to shine

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult