Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

There is no “we” in pizza

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

This made me smile…

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

I was up all night reading about insomnia

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it