Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

Sheep

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

Meanwhile in Canada…

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

Canadian owl: Eh?