Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

weddings should have a worst man

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.