Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
You Might Also Like
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I try
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
LMAO.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*