Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
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Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
this is me
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2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.