Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”