Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.