Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.