Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

when you order from DoorDastardly

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.