Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Sniffing the broccoli

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?

Fake Gnus

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….