Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]