Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
ready to be harvested
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
