Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I love wikipedia
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
