Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
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obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
can’t believe I got front row seats
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.