Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone