Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
You Might Also Like
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
lol
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Like sleeping!
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Body by Oreos
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁