Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
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One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
pizza
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.