Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.