Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

😝

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage