A flash mob has nothing to do with a bunch of Italians in trench coats hanging out at a playground, apparently.
Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you’re like “this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?”
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My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.
NASA is planning to lasso an asteroid and bring it to the moon?
I was unaware NASA had hired Wile E. Coyote to plan their missions.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people