@aparnapkin

Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you’re like “this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?”

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@Mikecanrant

A flash mob has nothing to do with a bunch of Italians in trench coats hanging out at a playground, apparently.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

@RealPrincessKim

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

@Michael1979

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

@OctopusCaveman

When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.

@Shock_Monster

NASA is planning to lasso an asteroid and bring it to the moon?

I was unaware NASA had hired Wile E. Coyote to plan their missions.

@CulturedRuffian

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

@MrEd_EVH

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people