Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
You Might Also Like
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Rather alarming headline…
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*