Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
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I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
SF is the wild wild west man
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.