Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
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you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?