Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time