Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
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Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Catercrombie & Fish
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?