Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
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My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.