Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too