Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

be nice to me or i will put you in the soup

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

why I oughta