Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
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Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween