Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.

2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.

3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!

4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!

My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

I only say stupid things when I talk.

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️