Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
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Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
i wish i could marry a nap
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face