Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
You Might Also Like
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.