Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
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Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal