Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
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A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.