Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
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How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Canadian owl: Eh?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )