Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
You Might Also Like
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know