Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
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me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
They got a point!
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.