Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
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People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I’m too immature for adultery.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.