Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
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My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Ummm
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.