Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
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Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.