Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.