Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
You Might Also Like
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
They’re really bad with fonts.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.