Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
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‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*