Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
You Might Also Like
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have