Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this