Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.