Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
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Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it