“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
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me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures