Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

What the hell is going on?

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.