“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
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My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Body by Oreos
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.