“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
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Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
😂🖐️
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…