Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.