“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
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My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
classic mixup
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.