“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
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Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My dog ate my work from home.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.