Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

classic mixup

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

Best seat on the street 😍