“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
You Might Also Like
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I’d use my best pan on you.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking