Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.