Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
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If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
as the prophecy foretold
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.