have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
