“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
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Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
murder on the timeline
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I think about this a lot
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Bobby pin
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I love twitter
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now