“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
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God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Duolingo getting serious.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you