Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
You Might Also Like
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true