Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Seems a bit forward

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

spicy snake

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!