Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
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A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Had an epiphany today.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys