Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
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Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.