“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
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I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
Denise please return my vape pen
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
girls literally only want one thing..
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I’ve been drinking.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
nature’s most graceful animal
