Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”