Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
You Might Also Like
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.