“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
You Might Also Like
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
felt cute might bury dad later idk
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.